Lingering
by illutia mist
Summary: She couldn't remember him clearly. The empty hole in her heart could never be filled. She would never be whole.


**Hi! This is illutia mist.**

**It has been a long time since I updated my last fanfiction.**

**This idea came into my head when I remembered the latest chapters of Alice Academy (chapter 167 until 169) and realized that 31st October was Halloween Day. I only remembered that 31st October was the last day of the month and that it was time for me to get my payment. Um… Don't mind that.**

**The thing about Halloween which interests me is the belief that the door which separates the human world and the spirits world opens that day and the spirits can travel into the human world. We have to wear costumes so that the spirits think we're their friends or something along that line. We don't really celebrate Halloween Day here in my country, so I don't know well about it.**

**Anyway, this story took a few months after the chapter where Mikan was told her memories would be erased since she couldn't stay in the Alice Academy anymore. For the first time in my career as the fanfiction author in GAFFN, I made something really depressing. Perhaps even more depressing than Reminiscing and Amnesiac. Oh dear.**

**Mikan was around thirteen year old in this story. If I'm not wrong, the first time she entered the academy is when she was eleven. And if I remembered correctly, she already had her birthday twice while she was in the academy.**

**My current status is: busy with real life, revising Small Pieces of You wholly, and revising Rice Sack Princess. Yes, Small Pieces of You will have a total revision, and I even changed the main characters. The only thing I'm still considering until now is whether I should just delete the old Small Pieces of You and published a new story under the same name, or I should just simply replace the existing chapters of the story. Hm…**

**Lastly, sorry for the long author's note. And though it's one day late, I still want to publish this story. My writing might have degraded compared to my last stories though.**

**Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Gakuen Alice and its characters.**

**-o-O-o-**

**Lingering**

**-o-O-o-**

Mikan Sakura had never felt whole; not once ever since she woke up in the hospital a few months ago.

She still remembered that day clearly. The suffocating black that lifted away when she opened her eyes and light filled her view, the warmth and comforting hug from her grandfather, a foreigner with wavy blonde hair who, somehow, had a sad smile on his face standing at the end of her bed, and a deep invisible hole in her heart which she could never figure out the cause.

The foreigner introduced himself as her grandfather's close acquaintance, and that she had been with him for two years in Tokyo to study in one of the schools. However, due to her grandfather's declining health, she decided to return to her hometown and continue to study there. The man, Narumi Ando, then said that she had a small accident on their way home and hit her head quite hard. He had been worried if she was wounded seriously, but the doctor stated she was fine. Her grandfather uttered his thankfulness for her well being.

However, Mikan couldn't remember those times. The day when she moved to the man's place, her school days, her classmates, and those two years she spent in Tokyo. She couldn't recall any of them, as if she had never gone there in the first place.

Could it be that she got amnesia? Perhaps partial amnesia, since she still had the memories before she went to Tokyo. But according to Narumi, the doctor said there was nothing wrong with her. Then how come she couldn't remember what she had been doing in those two years in Tokyo?

"Don't push yourself too much," her grandfather had told her, perhaps noticing her unusual quietness. "It had been a long journey. You need to rest."

Inwardly, she didn't agree. However, seeing the trace of fatigue and worry on her grandfather's face, she complied and dropped the matter for the moment.

Mikan then put on a smile and thanked the foreigner for his help all this time. She also apologized if she had troubled the man while she was in his care. Narumi patted her head gently and said he had a great time with her in those two years, and that he wished they could meet again one day and spend their time together. She welcomed the idea and they made a promise.

However, when the man excused himself and disappeared behind the door, something tugged at her heart. It was painful. It was telling her there was something wrong with all that was happening. It begged her to chase the man.

But in the end, she didn't make any move.

She didn't want to make her grandfather worry about her anymore than this.

"Mikan, are you done eating?"

Her grandfather's question snapped Mikan out of her thoughts. The familiar view of the dining room appeared in her sight, replacing the vague scene in the hospital that day. Sitting across from her was her grandfather, a pair of chopsticks in his right hand and a bowl of rice in his left hand. His forehead wrinkled a bit. Perhaps he was worried about her since she spaced out a few seconds ago.

"Ah… No, I haven't." Mikan chuckled awkwardly and quickly took the sautéed vegetables in front of her with her chopsticks.

"You're spacing out lately."

"Not really. I just… remembered I have math homework today," she lied. "It's quite hard, so I tried to recall how the teacher taught us to solve it this morning."

"Oh… Well, you should finish your dinner quickly and work on it," her grandfather advised and then continued finishing his dinner. "Don't stay up late. It's not good for your health."

"Yeah." She stared at her half empty rice bowl. "Don't worry, Grandpa."

-o-O-o-

Sometimes, whenever she closed her eyes, she could see it.

A black shadow stood before her, unmoving, and though she couldn't see who the figure was, she could feel its stare on her. Intense, but not malicious. It didn't scare her. Instead, she yearned for the owner of the gaze. She recalled it had something to do with red.

Yet, when she opened her eyes, there was no trace of the figure, only longing that resided in her heart and bugged her for the rest of the day.

She knew the shadow was still there though. It never truly vanished. It lingered somewhere in the back of her head, waiting patiently for her to remember again.

She had a feeling that her grandfather held a clue, and perhaps the entire fact of what was happening in those blank two years and the time before she woke up in the hospital. She wanted to ask, but she couldn't bring herself to do so every time she saw the old man sitting in the living room, a faraway look constantly on his face. She didn't remember ever seeing the expression before. Something had bothered him, and Mikan had a hunch that it was because of her.

So, in the end, she buried the intention deeply and proceeded with her daily life as if nothing ever happened. She also attempted to treat the vacant memories of two years as if they were old memories which were already long forgotten. Even when her classmates asked about the two years she had spent in Tokyo, she brushed it off by saying she had an accident and suffered from partial amnesia.

Her effort paid off most of the time. She wasn't bothered by it anymore.

The only thing that kept hindering her from getting rid of it completely was the lingering shadow which presence became stronger each time, though she still couldn't figure out who it was. She was sure it was a male, but he wasn't someone she knew in her hometown.

Mikan concluded that the shadow had something to do with her lost memories and the empty hole in her heart she could never fill. Until she could discover the truth, she could never really look forward. She would never be able to feel whole.

"Mikan, are you still working on your homework?"

Mikan dragged her gaze away from the moon. The door opened and her grandfather went inside, a lighted candle in his hand. He looked at her open homework on the desk and sighed. "I thought so," he said and put the candle on the desk. The small area around her opened notebook immediately brightened with dim light from the candle. Her view of the letters was now clearer than before. "It's unfortunate that the light has to go out at times like this. This is better than nothing."

She looked at her grandfather and smiled. "Thank you, Grandpa."

The old man returned her smile. "You're welcome," he said. "I better not disturb you any longer. Don't stay up too late, okay?"

"Okay."

When the door closed and she was all alone once again, Mikan paid her attention back to her open notebook. There was no question to do actually. There wasn't even any homework. She simply couldn't sleep and let the book open on the desk just in case her grandfather checked on her that night.

"I'm sorry for lying, Grandpa," she whispered quietly and lay her head on the desk. Her gaze traveled to the desk calendar at the corner of the table. The word 'October' was printed on the top center of the paper. Number 1 to 30 were streaked with red 'X' scratches; only 31 which was still cleared of any mark.

"It's Halloween, huh…" she mumbled and stretched out her hand to the calendar. Her finger then flipped the page absentmindedly. It stopped in midair as her eyes traced the word on the top of the page.

November.

An uncomfortable feeling nagged at the back of her head. The shadow which had been staying behind her closed eyes crossed her mind.

Mikan snatched her hand back as if the calendar just burned her skin. She fixated her gaze at her book before quietly stared at the candle. The burning flame danced on top of the candle from the breeze which was blowing occasionally.

As she locked her eyes on the flame, her heart thumped. The shadow vaguely appeared in her head. This time, a pair of red orbs glowed in the place where the eyes should be.

Mikan gasped. She quickly stood up and stumbled backward, her attention not moving from the candle. The fire kept on dancing and taunting. She wanted to look away but she couldn't, or perhaps she didn't want to. In her sight, the shadow emerged in the middle of the fire, quietly staring at her. The orbs that previously only glowed in pure red color slowly took a form of crimson irises, and then the eyelids showed up. The tail of the eyes ended a bit higher, making the eyes look like a cat's eyes. Finally, on top of the eyes were short eyebrows.

Mikan shivered. Something about the sharp stare reminded her of someone.

'...kan...'

And now she started hearing a voice of a boy. Mikan wondered if she had gone crazy because of the darkness.

'...Mi…kan...'

Her breath quickened, cold sweats drenching her temples and the back of her neck. The voice continued calling for her. It was creepy, yet gentle at the same time. It sounded floating though, like an echo in the dream, like the whisper of the wind.

But she was afraid. No, not because of the red eyed shadow and the voice. She was scared of something lurking in the hidden corner of her head; something that she couldn't remember. It reacted to the voice, struggling to surge up.

'…Mikan…'

The shadow in the middle of the fire vanished. The flame hadn't stopped moving. She didn't know whether her eyes played a trick on her, but the fire grew bigger and multiplied until it formed a circle prison. She saw a helpless boy lay in the middle of the fire. The flame was surrounding him, ready to burn him alive. At this point, her heart raced, her mind shouted for him to run and save himself, but she couldn't find her voice. What was she seeing now? What was happening?

'Mikan...Mikan...'

"No!" she gasped, eyes shut close and both ears covered by hands. Her heart was beating wildly as the trace of the flame imprinted behind her eyelids, the helpless body haunting her mind.

Mikan turned away from her desk and then fell to her knees. She lowered her head to the floor, only feeling secured the moment her forehead touch the cold wooden board. Slowly, still with her eyes closed, she recalled the unclear scenes she just saw and gathered them together. Her whole body froze with fear every time she imagined the burning body and, somehow, she felt helpless.

'Mikan…' the voice echoed in her ears once more as a cool breeze caressing her exposed skin. Mikan opened her eyes and slowly lifted her head. She stole a glance at the candle on the desk and saw that the fire had died, probably because of the wind coming in from the open window.

Then, all of a sudden, she felt a cold feathery touch on her cheek.

Surprised, Mikan turned her gaze away from the candle to the source of the touch. Even more to her astonishment, a transparent figure of a boy kneeled before her, his hand hanging in the empty air between them. Under the dim light of the moon, he looked pale. And his eyes… they were similar to the crimson eyes of the shadow she saw a few moments ago. The way they gaze at her; it was giving off the same feeling.

His lips formed a thin smile and, for unknown reason, her heart tightened painfully.

Why? Why did she felt so happy when she saw him, yet devastated at the same time? What was his name? Who was he to her? How could he affect her so much just by staring at her?

"Who are you?" she whispered quietly. Her right hand clutched the place over her chest tightly, trying to stop the painful squeeze in her heart. But the pain ignored her silent plea and travelled up her throat, assembling into pent up sobs. Her eyes felt hot. Her whole body trembled from suppressing the overwhelming emotion. At that time, she had a strong feeling that the boy was the answer key to her two years of memory loss.

But the translucent figure didn't answer. Instead, he reached out his hand and placed it over her cheek. It felt cold.

And just like that, the tears came.

"…Who are you?" Mikan choked in between her quiet sobs, her palms curling into tight fists in front of her chest. "Why can't I remember you?" She dared not blink, afraid the figure would vanish from her sight. Her thoughts jumbled up, her head filled with questions while her brain digging desperately for any clue about the boy in front of her. His face was familiar, yet foreign at the same time. But no matter how hard she forced her brain to work, she couldn't remember a single thing about him.

In her desperation, she brought a fist down to the floor out of annoyance and anger directed to herself, her sobs no longer strained. "Who are you?!" she cried.

He was the shadow that always haunted her; the figure she always longed for. He was important to her; she believed so. However, she knew nothing of him. She couldn't recall who he was, not even when he was right in front of her.

'Mikan…' The boy neared his face to hers, his cold lips hovering over her trembling ones. Their gazes met, and suddenly she felt terrified.

He would disappear soon.

"No…" Mikan whimpered, shaking her head. Her hand tried to grab his see-through one to no avail. Yet she didn't want to let go, not when she finally met him. "No! Don't go!"

His smile was peaceful.

'…Take care.'

-o-O-o-

"Mikan?"

Mikan dragged her gaze away from the empty space before her to the door. She saw her grandfather scurrying to her side, the moon illuminating his concerned face. When he brought his hands to her cheeks, Mikan knew he had noticed the trails of tears which were now cold from the breeze.

"I heard you shout a few moments ago," he said while wiping the translucent traces away. "What's wrong? Are you having a nightmare?"

Nightmare?

Mikan was quiet for a moment, the scenes from moments ago replaying inside her head. She wondered if that was only a dream, a nightmare just like her grandfather said. She didn't remember going to sleep. Perhaps it could be just her excessive imagination due to the darkness?

But she hardly could believe it.

His presence felt so real. The gaze and the voice. The cold touch and…

"Mikan?"

She closed her eyes and imagined the translucent figure. She tried to recall who the boy was once more, though in the end she could find no answer. "No. Nothing," she murmured and then forced a smile on her face.

Her grandfather looked unconvinced. "Are you fine?"

She nodded. "I'm fine," she reassured and hesitated for a moment. "…It's just a nightmare."

The old man heaved a relief sigh and patted her head. "It's good then."

"…Hm…" Mikan secretly stole a glance at the empty space beside her and brought a hand to her lips. The icy kiss still lingered there.

It wasn't a dream.

The image of the haunting shadow had dissolved and been replaced by the transparent boy. And despite that, she still didn't get a clue about him. Who he was and what happened to him; those questions still left unanswered.

The memories were still lost. She couldn't remember him clearly, and the empty hole in her heart still remained.

Perhaps she would never be able to fill the hollow. Not now. Not in the future.

She had lost an important part of her. Of that, she was certain.

She would never be whole.

**-Fin-**


End file.
